does anybody remember that Fable ? i feel like im living it. i am a "City Mouse", currently staying in the rural country. i come from the badlands of the city, a drug infested ghetto, but it has been my home in the latter half of my life. Worlds apart from where i am staying now 4 hours away from the city, 1 hour away from civilization, 1 hour from any grocery store, 20 mins from the nearest convenient store, surrounded by sticks and ears of corn. i lived in the city with my BF. who has fallen out of love with the person that i have become. a product of my enviroment in a sense. but mostly a product of my poor drug addled desicions. before i left, i tried staying on the streets, bouncing from couch to couch in uncertainty. the only thing certain was the heroin. unwatnted, feeling like the throw-away person that i have become, i stopped eating, slowly killing myself in self loathing chemical slavery. until one day i just couldnt go on. after shedding 10+ pounds i was too weak to even move. my mum & dad came to pull me out of the slums.
i have been clean now for almost 2 weeks. havent even had a suboxone or subutex in the last 3-4 days. sleeping again and eating to get my strength up. day by day slowly, i have been trying to confront the loss of my love. something i havent learned yet but i suppose the wounds will heal in time. i have become accustomed to the "Party Life" indulging in a schmorgess-board of drugs, surrounded by false friends. but i am learning to get used to myself, and the mundane again.
i have not gotten used to being out of my element yet, for so long i have been surrounded by the comfort of the concrete jungle, people dying to meet me, flocking to see me, not for me, but simply for my network of drug connections. it was nice having so many "friends" dealing with so many people on a daily basis, getting them what they needed, having them pay for what i needed, and even making some xtra scratch. this has become my only way to relate to people.
i am starving for human communication. i have met back up with some of my old friends from the suburbs and even been invited to some parties. but we come from different worlds now, its not the same. and the suburbs are a good hour away from here. i knew it was in my best interests to decline, being that there would be substances at the parties, and i must avoid all temptation which is why i must avoid the city.
i dont know how to meet anyone anymore. i dont know how to relate to the people from this world anymore. i dont know what to say or do. i have fallen out of touch. i go to the convenient store / gas station 20 mins from here every other day to get cigarettes. there really is nothing else around here except for creepy hillbilly bars. each time i have gone to the convenient store someone has approached me trying to talk to me, introduce themself, point out that im obviously not from around here. guys and girls alike. it appears as if they are interested to maybe get to know me.
but i lock up, get really shy, hold back in fear of saying the wrong thing, and scurry away before i mention anything about the life i have lived for the past 5 years. because from a normal standpoint, it would all be abusrd and i would just succeed in scaring the person away. nobody wants to know how much Heroin you can do, or what drugs you can get, nobody wants to listen to hustles, and scams, or how you have just immerged from deep in the drug underworld. and it seems like thats all i know anymore.
for the first time in a longtime i am single, i think maybe i should just get dressed up like a slut just to get noticed but i know that would just garner the wrong attention. i am not looking for relationships really at the moment. i am just starving for human interation. i apologize for writting a novel, i didnt mean to empty my head into text. it just sort of came out that way. what do i do ? just continue to sit in the house, idle with nothing, doing nothing ? maybe its still too early for me ? but this is not me at all. im used to doin' thangs.. thangs from the moment i wake up, to the moment i nod out
ellenallien 
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moonrockmushy 
Lynnch 
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